“It’s your fault!” Like Adam, ever since the Garden of Eden, we have been playing the Blame Game. It seems to be human nature to make someone else responsible for our pain. However, if we believe we are helpless victims, we dis-empower ourselves by not making changes that are needed. Instead, we stay stuck.
I often see a destructive pattern in couples who are caught in the blame trap. For many reasons (which I may blog about at another time), many women have difficulty asking men directly for what they need. As a result, it is not uncommon that a wife will share with me how she resents her husband because he is not meeting her needs. What often becomes apparent upon discussion is her belief that if she can make him feel bad enough, he will give her what she wants. Unknowingly, she has been attempting to motivate him to change by using guilt.
On the masculine side, men tend to respond to blame by feeling responsible. A loving husband desires to make his wife happy and will try to fix the problem(s) which she is blaming on him. He hears her criticism about his behavior, feels guilty about her pain, and vows to stop the behavior about which she is complaining. When he does, she may think her blame has been effective.
But this pattern soon backfires. The man begins to feel disrespected and angry. Even though he may recognize that there is truth in what his wife has said, he seldom feels grateful for her pointing out his flaws! Rather, he feels unsupported and eventually demoralized. He begins to associate his wife with feeling bad, and starts to withdraw and gives up trying to make her happy. Things escalate, and before long, both partners are feeling hopeless and discouraged.
So what do you do if you find you have a tendency to blame? First, try to identify what you are really feeling. Typically, emotions of anger, fear, and insecurity lie underneath the surface. Ask the Lord to help you be vulnerable, then share your pain without the blame! Blame causes division and separation, whereas healing and restoration can begin when the truth is spoken in love.
The bottom line is this: instead of looking for someone to blame when you feel bad, ask God to show you what you need to change. If you feel angry because someone is doing something hurtful, stop trying to induce guilt to change their behavior. Instead, learn how to set boundaries. And if you are not getting your needs met, learn how to ask effectively.
Blaming hurts you and it hurts others. Let’s ask God for His help:
Lord, it is so easy to discharge my pain and discomfort through blame. Forgive me for the times when I have used guilt to manipulate. Please give me the courage to give You my hurt, learn how to ask for what I need, speak my truth in love, and set limits with hurtful people. In Jesus Name, Amen!
Until next time, Blessings! Deb